I remember when...

I remember growing up at the baseball park.  Do you?  I remember the trucks backed up to the outfield and the cheering fans sitting in the back.  I remember exactly how they looked under the lit up night sky.  I remember my first T-ball team and my first jersey.  I played for Buck's Grill, which was a small hamburger place in the town that I grew up in.  Apparently, they had the best hamburgers around and everyone was sad when they went out of business.  Anyway, I remember my jersey was black and so was my hat.  I remember playing with a team of boys and girls.   I remember feeling nervous and a little awkward.  I remember thinking one of the boys was really cute and how I didn't want to look like a dork in front of him.  But, most of all, I remember loving the entire experience and feeling so proud to be a part of that team.

I also remember transitioning to softball and how proud I was that my Mom coached my teams.  She was tough and loving at the same time.  She got our attention on the field with her stern voice, and threw the best trophy parties for my team at our home at the end of the season.  I'm sure she cooked everything from scratch.  She did all this and worked a full-time job as well.  I so understand where I get all this from.

So, when I see my two growing up at a baseball field as well, it just seems right.  It's my normal.  I can't imagine anything else really.  I hope they look back on these moments with happy thoughts in the same way I did mine.

Jesse doesn't actually play baseball yet, but no doubt she has fun at the field.  I mean...just look at her with one of her best buddies, Erin.



It just doesn't get better than that.



And him.  He's all heart.  He's a little goofy.  He says things out loud to get a laugh from the crowd.  Sometimes it comes out and sounds quite awkward.  He looks like he struggles most than the rest when he's running.  The way he moves his arms makes everyone smile and sort of chuckle.  It's entertaining.  It's also a sign that he wants to be good.

I tell him that All-Star baseball is a little more serious and he returns with, "Mom, I just want to have fun."  How do you argue with an 8 year old about that?  "Ok, have fun...just please try you best OK?"
"Ok Mom."  That's the best I got.



It's truly what it's about to him.  He's playing his life long friends on other teams and he's thrilled to see them and watch their amazing talents.  He doesn't get too incredibly upset about a loss.  Sometimes...well, I think he's got it together better than us.

It's about fun times.  It's about making memories.  It's about being a kid.  I just feel so blessed that I can witness it with my own eyes.  I'm so glad I'm here.  I soak it in.  I breathe in the dust from the fields.  I shuffle the dirt through my flip flops.  I take their picture.  I embrace the moment...because I know the time passes by so quickly.

I know how she felt now.  I know exactly how she felt.  I get it Mom.  I truly get it.  I know why you were so passionate about us doing well.  It was for us.  You wanted it for us.  But you know what?  My brothers and I just loved the fact you were there.  We loved the experience and you.

Here's to summer baseball and my busy schedule.  I probably won't have time to blog much this summer.  I hope I am wrong...only because I want them to remember these moments.  Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't get all this written down for them...so maybe I will be here.

So Jonah, "I need a hit, a rip, a run and a score!  I need a hit, a rip, a run and a score!"

And Jesse, well, just have fun kiddo.  You'll be hitting soon enough.

I love you both.

Happy Mother's Day

The kids and I were loading up in the Tahoe recently to go somewhere, and I decided I needed to grab a movie to keep them entertained.  I especially like to do this when I'm by myself.  It's like a security blanket.  What if we have a flat tire and we are stuck on the side of the road...what if I just need a few minutes of peace and quiet?  A movie helps sometimes.  Anyway, the thought of picking out a movie that an almost 8 year old boy and 4 year old girl will agree on is almost impossible these days.

I grabbed a good one and we were on our way.  My choice for the drive was...E.T.  You just can't beat it.  It's movie perfection.

The kids cannot use the headphones in the Tahoe anymore.  I am afraid we have misplaced or broken or lost them on the side of the road.  I have no time to investigate it really.  So, that means I get to listen to movies while I drive.  (Ordering new headphones is on my infinite To Do list.  It has one of the lowest priorities and may never get crossed off.)

But, I really do not mind listening to a movie like E.T.  It's a win, win situation.  It's amazing how wonderful a movie is that you can only listen to.  Believe me, I've never laughed so hard at Finding Nemo till I listened to it with my kids on that long trip with just the three of us to Florida last year.  It cracked me up.  Ellen really rocks.

I enjoy listening to the music too.  How many of you relate John Mayer's Say What you Need to Say to The Karate Kid (the one with Will Smith's adorable kid)?  Yep, it's part of the movie, and on a side note, if you ask Jonah who sings this John Mayer song, he will say "oh, someone from China."

Back to E.T. though...my reaction to E.T. this time around was slightly different than the others.  It took me back to a place I haven't been in a very long time.

There's a beautiful scene, it's my favorite part of the movie.  Mary (the Mom played by Dee Wallace) is reading a story to Gertie (Drew Barrymore) at bedtime.  I wasn't sure exactly what the story was (which is what prompted a conversation with one of my closest friends, my twin Heather, that helped me to remember). She reminded me that it was the classic, Peter Pan.  Oh yes.  Oh yes.  The fairies!

This is the excerpt from the Peter Pan story.  Tinker Bell just drank poison to keep Peter from drinking it.

His head almost filled the fourth wall of her little room as he knelt near her in distress. Every moment her light was growing fainter; and he knew that if it went out she would be no more. She liked his tears so much that she put out her beautiful finger and let them run over it.

Her voice was so low that at first he could not make out what she said. Then he made it out. She was saying that she thought she could get well again if children believed in fairies.

Peter flung out his arms. There were no children there, and it was night time; but he addressed all who might be dreaming of the Neverland, and who were therefore nearer to him than you think: boys and girls in their nighties, and naked papooses in their baskets hung from trees.

"Do you believe?" he cried.

Tink sat up in bed almost briskly to listen to her fate.

She fancied she heard answers in the affirmative, and then again she wasn't sure.

"What do you think?" she asked Peter.

"If you believe," he shouted to them, "clap your hands; don't let Tink die."

Many clapped.

Goodness, it still gives me chills.  I had no idea the original Peter Pan story was so beautifully written.

Anyway, the way Gertie says she believes in the fairies out loud and claps when Mary reads it to her...it makes me cry every time I see it.  Even listening to it driving down the road in the Tahoe.

All this had me thinking more about Mary.  She is sort of nuts in the movie.  She's single...her husband recently left her and is with some chick in Mexico.  She's a working Mom of three beautiful kids who decided to adopt an alien.  She's totally got her hands full ha?  She yells at them at times, she is so incredibly scattered and trying to keep things together.  But, she makes time to stock the fridge.  She dressed up for Halloween.  She is thrilled at the sight of her three children dressed up together and worries about them when they don't return when they should.  She reads the most beautiful stories to them at night, in such a beautiful way, it is like they are transformed and part of it.  It's really incredible.

I've thought about this some and sort of surprised at myself for not realizing why I'm so drawn to this movie and especially that moment.  Who else listens to this and cries?  What wrong with me?

And goodness, it hit me.  At first, I thought it was because Gertie reminded me of my daughter, Jesse, but that's not it at all.  It's so obvious to me now.

Gertie reminds me of me.  I remember what it feels like to be held like that.  I remember what it feels like to be loved like that.





I believe I was around Gertie's age when my father passed away.  My Mom moved my brother and I to a small town for a new job.  She was a mess really.  She was now this single, widowed woman with two kids and a full time job in a small town trying to survive.  She was crazy at times...yelling at us to pick up our things and to be good.  I remember all the stress for sure.

But, I remember moments like this more.  She didn't read Peter Pan to me, but she certainly took us to see E.T.  Somehow in her special way, she made me feel this loved.  She made me feel safe.  She gave me so many dreams.  She made me believe.

"I believe!  I believe!  I do!  I do!"

A mother's love is just...well, it's like no other.  I just love Mary in E.T.  She's not perfect, but there is no doubt the incredible love she has for her children.  It just reminded me that no matter what the situation, a mother loves her babies.  Even when times are tough, she loves her babies...even if they adopt an alien.

A mother's love lives on forever too.  I know I still feel mine to this day.



Happy Mother's Day to all my favorite Mothers.  I love you all!

Lucky Girl

One time, when I was really young, I got myself in a mess.  Mama had been working really hard painting my room a lovely new color that I can't seem to remember.  I remember the smell, but not the color.  Odd, but anyway...I wasn't allowed in to watch, and I'm sure I wasn't happy about that.

But then, she took a break, and I decided to go ahead and sneak in and take a quick look.  At some point while I was enjoying the view of my freshly painted room, I relaxed.  I just sort of fell back on the wall to support myself and enjoy the lovely view.  Bad mistake.

I was horrified.  I remember hiding under the kitchen table.  I remember how sticky and wet the paint felt in my hair.  I remember thinking that if my hair wasn't so white that maybe she wouldn't notice.

I was there under the table for what seemed like an eternity, but probably only amounted to five or ten minutes.  I heard her her call my name.  Then, there she was.

Busted.

She looked at me under the table.

I held my breath.

And then, the oddest thing happened.

She laughed.

She laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was hysterical like laughing.

I'll never forget it.  I think I looked at her like she had lost her mind.

 

And I thought I would share with you the fact that I thought about it this week.

She taught me to laugh off the things that just really don't matter.  I'm not good at it all the time, and I'm sure she wasn't either.  But every now and then, I plan on just laughing.

What the hell?  It worked for her.  I didn't go back in there till it was nice and dry.  I guess I figured I wouldn't be that lucky next time.

I can't go home anymore.

It's really just a bunch of bricks now that I think about it.

That house didn't build me.

She did.

I'm a lucky girl.

Time Travel - The Beginning

It’s her day today.  I can’t give her a gift to unwrap or call her and wish her a Happy Birthday.  But, I can share with you and my angels some of the things that made her so special.

She was the Captain of her basketball team in high school.  So tall and beautiful and athletic.

I wish I could travel back in time and sit in the crowd and cheer for her.  I would give anything.  I would be so proud.  I would scream so loud that she would look my way.  She would do a double take at the blonde girl dressed in futuristic clothes screaming her name.  While I’m imagining things, I might as well imagine myself in Jimmy Choo shoes as well.

“Sandra, you rock!  WUU!  WUU!  WUU!”  "You like my shoes?"

She would look my way and smile and then continue kicking ass. 

That’s how I imagine it anyway. 

Then, I would get in my DeLorean and program the time and date to this moment.  I had to be 3…around Jesse’s age.  We were at Disney World.  We were on Tom Sawyer Island.

I would approach her.  I would comment on what a beautiful child she has (just to get her attention).  I would tell her she looks just like her.  She will say, “Thanks, nobody ever tells me that.”  And I will say, “Trust me, she does.  Everything but the hair.  You know, one day she will look at her reflection in the mirror just to remember your face.”  I will hug her and tell her how lucky that little girl is to have her.  I will start to cry and find it really hard to let go.  I will also ask her if she is pregnant.  Then, she will call security on me. 

I will run (in my Jimmy Choos) back to my DeLorean (after grabbing one of those Mickey Mouse ice creams, perhaps getting some of those monogrammed Mickey Mouse ears, and riding Space Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean.)

I really like this DeLorean.  I really like to imagine flying in it.  It has been really awesome visiting Mama and pretending I have Jimmy Choos.  I just need to somehow generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity I need to do this again.

Marty McFly: Wait a minute, Doc.  Ah...Are you telling me that you built a time machine...out of a DeLorean? 

Dr. Emmett Brown:  The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style.

I love how you can Google “Back to the Future quotes” and all this is just right at your fingertips.

I love that Mama saw and loved this movie too and would totally get this entire post.  She would laugh at me.

I love that I didn’t plan for this post to go this way and it did.

Oh my, I really am a nerd.  What is wrong with me?  My love is going to give me hell.

And on a serious note…February 4, 1950 was the day she came into this world and made it wonderful.  She left us 50 years later.  All that knew her miss her.

Why do I have this overwhelming feeling right now that she’s looking over my shoulder?  Ok Mama.  She was intelligent and beautiful and funny and the best Mama ever.  That good?  OK.  Love you too.

You really were and the kids will know.

Dream a Little Dream

There it is. Can you see it? Already. Every night after bath, just before bedtime she says, "See the Moon?" Ok baby. We walk out the front door most of those nights. Begin the search. If we can't see it, lately we just enjoy the fire flies. But the nights we do, oh, those are special.

How? Is it just a coincidence? I don't know. Maybe. But, on this night, I felt like I was looking in a mirror. She's dreamy. She's dreamy like me. I saw the part of me that grew up wanting so badly to go there and touch that beautiful, heavenly object.

Guess I'll tell her what my Mama told me.

Inside the front cover of,

The Astronauts

The First 25 Years of Manned Space Flight

By Bill Yenne

And then I'll tell her she made all my dreams come true.

Sandra's Daughter

Last night really got me to thinking about her. So, here it goes.

I am a Mom, a Wife, a Sister, an Aunt, a Friend, a Super Duper Multi-Tasker, a Full Time Engineer, and I will always be.....Sandra's Daughter. Yes, I am also a Daughter to a woman who left this earth 10 years ago this past April. A fantastic woman. Every day when I sit down at work, I read this passage. I'm not a super religious person, but this gives me comfort. My sweet mother-in-law gave me a little angel holding scriptures years ago, well before my mother was even sick. I've always had it on my desk. There was a time that I was not working, and I moved it to my desk at home, but it has always been there for me. After my mother passed, I returned home and a new verse was in front. I had not changed the angel to a new verse in so long. I usually forgot to. I stood there in total shock.....reading the verse over and over.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Did she leave this here for me? I asked my love, "did you change this?" He said something like "No, but you know what, I accidentally dropped the angel while you were gone. All the verses fell on the floor, everywhere. I shuffled them up and put them back on her. I didn't pay attention to what the verse said that landed on top." Oooooohhhhhhh, I thought. But wait a minute, doesn't mean she or God didn't have a part in this. Smile. Thank you. I miss you every single day. I wish you could see the woman, the Mom I have become. I hope you would be proud of me. I love you.

I have never changed the verse sense that day. I never will.

April 2000...some day that month. I never understood why people remembered those days in time when a loved one passes. I have no idea which day it was. Isn't it more of a joy to remember her birthday, Christmases together? The April day was not a beautiful day to me. I guess I am still angry. Not at her. Just was never ready to let her go. But I did, and I told her it was OK. I told her I loved her and it was OK....I told her I was going to be OK. And I am. I'm changed, but I am OK. No, I'm great! I'm great because of her!

This moment defines me in so many ways. So, here I am blogging about my blessings in life and it doesn't feel complete without telling this story. I lost my mother too young. But you know, I would rather have had her for the time that I did than anyone else. I lost my father even younger...almost too young to remember. So, I go through every day and thank God for this opportunity to see the beauty in it all and appreciate it.

Mama, life is good. Wish we could sit down and have margaritas and watch the kids run in the back yard. They have so much of you in them. I love that.

Mama's Tea Cakes

I wish I had some sort of recording device to record everything that was going through my head tonight. Seriously. My mind was all over the place. So many things I want to say and I feel like I am going to burst if I don't get some of it out! What's up with me! I'm an engineer, not a writer! I did Cori's math homework...she did my English. Something is not right in my universe. But I'm sure enjoying it.

My little angels are asleep.

My love is out of town.

And what am I doing tonight?? Baking.

I'm baking for Mr. Clark (Jonah's bus driver)...or so I thought. Actually, it turns out it is a lot for me. Mama's Tea Cakes. I can remember just like yesterday sitting at our kitchen bar and watching her go through batches of these things. The frustration when a batch came out of the oven not just right. I'm smiling. I miss that. I think I have found her recipe. Actually, it's not exactly the recipe, but I think she used this one and added vanilla. They had to have vanilla!! So I added it!

As I was fantasizing about being a food photographer...I almost burned my second batch of tea cakes. But how fun would it be to smell freshly baked cookies every day and take pictures of these perfectly still subjects! But I'm not kidding myself here. I'm no photographer. But if I could start over and go that route I would.

Ahhhhhhhhh, perfection. Look at those beauties! Mama would be so proud. Not too crispy, not too soft, not too brown....just right. Man, I think Mr. Clark is going to love these! Although, Jonah might be disappointed they are missing the chocolate chips. Ooops.

Mr. Clark, you're the best!