Thinking outloud - Part II

Sometimes when I sit down to blog, very random thoughts land on this page.  I start writing the post forgetting that someone else might actually read it.  And then...that very sweet and honest someone else that actually read it is like, "I just read your blog, and I just have to say....What you talking about Willis?"  I look back at the blog and say to her, "Oh my, pretty bad ha?"  I think to myself that it made perfect sense to me the night before.  Then I make the same excuse that we engineers like to make...Oh, I'm an engineer, not a writer.  I even think of adding a disclaimer somewhere on this site.

I should say, BEWARE: ENGINEER BLOGGING.  I think I'll even add this line: Please forgive me, I should obviously be solving simultaneous equations instead.

But tonight I realized exactly what I was thinking.  At first, I was dreading work the next day.  I was wondering if I made the correct career choice.  I often wonder if I should work at all.  I go back and forth on this one.  Is there something else I can be doing to really make a difference in this world?  Would my angels be better off if I stayed at home?  Am I cut out for that?  AKA, what's my purpose?

Then, I think to myself, I should be proud in this day and time to have a job to go to.  Maybe I will make some progress on my task this week.

Then, I think to myself, I'm so lucky to be alive.  (This thought is always random and usually comes after a negative thought.)

Then, I look down at the big pile of clothes on my bedroom floor.  Then, I remember there's another big pile on the bathroom floor.  Then, I remember there's another big pile on my closet floor.  Then, I remember that all these piles are not in the laundry room because there are several big piles in there.  I refer to this sort of thing as the "shit."

Then, I think to myself, I'm so lucky to be alive.

See what I mean!

Then I remember something great my Jonah did that melted my heart, and I wanted him to know about it.  I took a picture of his letter in case it got lost some day.

Then, I think about work again.  I think about the best part of my work day...running with my girlfriends...and I am proud.

All through the post, I am thinking about my love and how much he means to me and how I couldn't breathe without him.

And in the end, I remember that someone might read it the next day, and I think to say thanks.  Then, I remember it will only be a small group of people that I love, and I think to just tell them I love them.

Then, the next day I realize that it didn't really come out that way, and I'm so glad just a hand full of people might have read it.

And lastly, I'm thankful for my friend.

Everyone deserves a friend that sends you a line like, "What you talking about Willis?"

And that's it.  I'm scattered.  So much goes through my mind on a regular basis.  Am I being a good parent?  Did I choose the right career path?  How will I ever get all these clothes washed?  And most importantly, will my angels ever possibly comprehend just how much I love them?

I tackled the clothes tonight.  It's a small dent, but I'll get there.

I can't promise this won't happen again.  You have been warned.  Good night :-).  

Thinking outloud

Does anyone else wonder what their purpose is in life?  I often wonder.  I regularly wonder.  I look at my kids with the deepest compassion.  I want to give them the most that I can.

I am beginning to wonder if I am normal.  Is it because I have experienced death so young in life?  Does anyone else breathe in the air so deeply and actually look at the sunrise and sunset and make it a part of them because you just wonder if you will ever see another one?  I don't know.  I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse.  I don't know.

All I know is all the little shit just doesn't seem to matter to me tonight.  I am so happy to lie here next to her.  I'm so happy to wait for my love to walk in the door after having to work on a Sunday night and grab some chocolate cake (I totally know he can't wait) and play with Luke and jump in the middle of the bed tonight next to me.

I'm so proud of my best boy upstairs too.  I'm proud of him for writing a letter to his little sister this weekend that said, "I'm sorry this happened to you.  You will fell better tomorrow.  And, I know it hurts.  Love, Jonah"  She is starting to have really chapped lips just like he had last year and the year before.  He truly understood.

Jonah, I can't tell you how I felt when you brought this in to her.  Tears, joy, disbelief.  You are so caring, my sweet boy.  Never, ever change.

I'm so proud of you.  You are rocking this baseball season too.  Totally rocking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do except to tell these two children that I love them every single day, and that I am proud of them.  I know that I should teach them to be proud of who they are and to never compromise.  That's about it.

And I know I need to run with my girlfriends to make my head really clear for this sort of thing.

And I know that I could never do any of it without the love and support of my husband.

And I know...I need some rest to be able to do it all tomorrow.  Good night and have a blessed week.

And, thanks...really, thanks for stopping by.  It means a lot.  I love you.